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Software Vault: The Gold Collection
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Software Vault - The Gold Collection (American Databankers) (1993).ISO
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1993-05-01
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5KB
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98 lines
A Gooey Mess
by Dave Bealer
Viruses received a great deal of attention last March with the big
scare over the Michelangelo Virus. This year noone seemed to notice,
since the 1992 scare turned out to be a complete bust. We'll ignore
(for this issue, at least) the fact that the only people who seem to
benefit by the existence of computer viruses are the folks who write
the software to detect and remove them.
Although viruses are capable of bringing the most powerful computers
to their knees, viruses are not the only programs around capable of
accomplishing that feat. In the year since the great Michelangelo
disaster that never was, millions of PC users have willing placed
software on their systems which rivals the worst viruses for their
ability to turn the fastest 486 machine in the world into a crawling,
whimpering 286. That software is called a Graphical User Interface
(GUI).
Hardware vendors have been hurt by the constant drop in PC component
profits caused by price wars. GUIs are an insidious conspiracy by
hardware and software vendors to force users to obtain ever
increasing numbers of memory, disk drive and processor upgrades.
Many experts have been puzzled as to why this ploy seems to be
working. PC users aren't stupid. Well...at least a few of them
aren't.
Scientists at Industrial Smoke and Mirrors Laboratories recently
discovered the true reason for this incredibly useless and silly
behavior on the part of increasing numbers of PC users. It was
discovered that many of the newer "Multi-Sync" monitors have a
technology called "Hypno-Scan" built into them. These monitors
hypnotize many users into believing that the GUI is actually helping
them get their work done faster.
Extra strength Hypno-Scan is built into the monitors used in many PC
software retail stores. This increases the effect of the hypnosis
during the brief period the retail clerk has to convince the customer
to buy the GUI product.
Don't rejoice too quickly. The fact that the cause of this disease
has been discovered does not diminish the fact that millions are
already afflicted. Many groups have sprung up to help these poor
unfortunates overcome their addiction to GUIs. A summary of these
organizations follows.
Gui Anonymous Group (GAG)
- A self-help group run by recovered GUI fanatics.
Harpies Against GUIs (HAG)
- Founded by a group of retired secretaries, this group believes that
pull-down menus are the work of Satan.
Sane Nerds Against GUIs (SNAG)
- These people were never really susceptible to the GUI menace. If
doesn't have a command line with hundreds of parameters to type in
manually, they aren't interested.
Nitwits Against GUIs (NAG)
- A radical splinter group of SNAG, NAG members believe that EDLIN is
the sublime apex of PC editing technology.
Twits Against GUIs (TAG)
- since these bozos can't even figure out how to use a mouse, they
are fundamentally against GUIs. In fact, they are fundamentally
against any technology more advanced than chewing gum (which they
can't use while they're walking).
Women Against GUIs (WAG)
- Since GUIs were invented by men, they must be evil.
Once these groups have had a few years to deprogram the members of
the GUI cult, things should gradually return to high speed, DOS
command line normality. {RAH}
=================
Dave Bealer is a thirty-something mainframe systems programmer who
works with CICS, MVS and all manner of nasty acronyms at one of the
largest heavy metal shops on the East Coast. He shares a waterfront
townhome in Pasadena, MD. with two cats who annoy him endlessly as he
writes and electronically publishes RAH. FidoNet> 1:261/1129
Internet: dbealer@access.digex.net
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